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11:49 AM, Sunday, January 11, 2009
hii'm gonna blog abt wat happend in church on sat. yes, i know usuali i dont blog abt my religion or anything, its jus "i wen 2 church, had fuel & service" blablabla.
ytd sis shana askd me "can u say dat u're a christian?" & though i sed yes, i reali dont know. e definition of christian wud be: believes in God & Jesus Christ. i can say dat i believe in God, but i dont believe dat Jesus Christ died 2 save e world. well, @ least not e whole world. e rest of e world, yes. but not me. who wud die 2 save me? dat's so wrong. i dont deserve 2 be saved.
so i reali shudn be in IH.
but how 2 say? "sister esther, i dont think i shud be in IH because i dont believe dat Jesus died 4 me." actuali, dat's wat i shud say. but how?! i feel like crap. & e worse part is dat they think i'm fit 2 lead e ministry. or maybe aft i talkd 2 sis shana & bro fuwei aft service, they'll realize sth is wrong wiv my faith & demote me. oh please please please let dat happen.
i joined IH bcos my ldr sed join a ministry, so i did. aft dat i realized dat i reali want others 2 experience e love of dis powerful God. bcos i've seen ppl be transformed by this God, & i know dat those ppl hav reali bin blessed. i cant say i've experienced e love of God, & i cant say dat i hav bin blessed, but i reali want 2 help bring sum1 2 experience this wonderful love. maybe cos i've seen how sum ppl hav reali bin changed & how happy they are now, & i want dat evry1 2 hav dat happiness. even if i dont hav it myself. i sound like a hypocrite, rite? well yeah, i feel like 1 too.
i reali dont know how 2 face any1 in IH, or any christian, for dat matter. evrytime i see ting yan, or any other exemplary christian, i reali feel v discouraged. bcos i know dat God has ministered 2 dem, & not 2 me. & i'm reali very very very very very confused. let me repeat dat. i'm very very very very very confused. i hav no idea wat 2 do, & i feel like crap. dont even ask me 2 explain whatever i jus typed. in case i havent made my point, i am seriously confused, 2 e point dat i dont know how 2 express myself. okay i sound emo again. hahaha. i repeat: i'm not emo. i'm actuali pretty happy, unless i hav ncc or hw :P
okay, considerin e fact dat i hav ncc 2day, not 2 mention e truckload of hw ms ang jus dumped on us, i'm not exactly v happy now. but stil. haha :D
ok, gonna do math hw now b4 ncc starts. cya! :)
Quote 2 remember: it is in e shelter of each other that e people live.
~thx 4 reading!~