about me

i was downloading videos just now, and i was bored. one can be busy and bored, u know. i didn like "Of Money And Mouths". it was lost on me. it's too repetitive and vulgar. was listening to songs fr Mamma Mia! OST on youtube.

i continued reading deception point today, after i worked on e alternative OM script. i hope haseena is doing e original script. i didn discuss who's going to do wat with her. oh well, i think she wont do e alternative script, so it shud be okay.

i think i've officially become roann loh's honorary boredom-killer. she keeps saying, "hi, i'm bored." aiyo :D this is bad, right? it means i'm slacking too hard, so i keep playing with her. i shud be studying now. but i dont want to!!! hahahaha XD

i know this is totally random, but is it okay to be jealous of people? ok, e bible says it isnt. actuali, wanting something another person has is considered a sin. wow, God really knows what's good and bad for us. i spent 10 minutes chewing myself out cos i was so envious of ting yan. i've told her that i'm jealous of her b4, so i reali wouldn count this as gossiping. how do u gossip on a blog, anyway?

but that's beside e point. she's popular, good-looking, and has a great personality. she's smart, has a good relationship with God, has a truckload of friends, always has a word of advice, knows when to do what, is brilliant at leadership, and is, in essence, just who i'm not. my polar opposite. i have to stop comparing myself to her, or i'm going to give myself bipolar disorder.

she's like a role model. there she is, perfect. shining. gleaming. people's eyes light up when they see her. (my greatest wish is to have my mom's eyes light up every time i enter a room. it never happened, save for the time i scored 100 in maths. and that was pretty much 7-8 years ago. and i remember how happy she was for that one moment, clear as day. needless to say, it never happened again.) ting yan is perfect, wrapped up in tissue paper and ready to be opened as the best gift ever.

i want to be like her, but i dont want to be her clone. i want to be well-liked too, just not for the same reasons ting yan is. i want to be liked for who i am. i'm just not sure if that can happen.

ok i admit, i was doing a facebk quiz just now, which was kinda unproductive. but i guess it was good cos it made me realize some stuff that i need to change, especially e way i treat people in general. this is e quiz dat i did. http://www.facebook.com/notes.php?ref=sb#/note.php?note_id=193896301584 see all my new year resolutions? i would try to change now, but i always feel that i need an excuse - a stepping stone - to change. the passing of e new year, when ppl make new year resolutions - things they want to change abt their life - that seems like a safe time to start turning my life around.

so that's why my new yr resolutions for nxt yr are to be more open, and to get to know other ppl better. i think once i hit sec 1, i just shut myself in and locked the doors so i could build, well, not walls, but something more like a cave. and i dont like who i've become. a hermit, a loner and someone pathetic.

i think ting is open about her life, and that's why ppl feel good abt sharing their problems with her, and from there they build a relationship? i may not be as great as her, but i do have my strengths, and 1 of them is to be able to dissect a rotten problem and find a way to fix it - even though it might be hard.

when sis kc told me, "you have to tear down your walls", i felt the truth in that. i dont believe in what i'm doing to myself and to the people around me anymore.

so, from 2010 onwards, (no, sorry, i cant do it on my own. i still need God and e new year to help me change), i will try really hard to be nicer to ppl, and to be more open abt sharing. its something i tried really hard not to do this year. i think i felt that the less ppl knew abt me, the better, cos i'm hot-tempered and selfish and cold on the inside. but i think all that happened was that ppl figured out all my bad points anyway, and didn get a chance to see all my good ones. (i am on a roll here, i think its an epiphany)

after i finish reading deception point, i'm definitely going to have to start on "be a people person" straight away.

i'd better go do my TAWG and sleep now, have to go for OM meeting tmr morning. good night!

Quote 2 remember: There are two ways to get enough: one is to continue to accumulate more and more. The other is to desire less.

~thx 4 reading!~