about me

it's my dad's birthday today. i miss him a little more than usual. is he happy? is he hanging out with girls in skimpy outfits? is he thinking of me? does he ever think of me? i dont know, but i hope so. is that foolish? i wouldn want him to think of me if he hates me. that would be too sad. he loves me the most, right? after all, he spent the most time with me, and the least with my sister, who everyone loves most now. but she was a baby when he knew her. i've seen my uncle go absolutely crazy over baby tiffany. what if my dad feels that way? does he love her the most too? its 11 already. is he asleep? did anyone wish him happy birthday today? i'm not making sense. i havent seen him in years. he hates this family, he just wants to get as much money as he can out of the divorce case. does he want custody of me? would i go with him? do i even have a say? Holy Spirit, this is so hard. is he drinking alcohol? does he even remember me? does he remember what i look like? i doubt it. so he doesnt love me? what is it like to have a parent who hates you? is it okay to talk to other people about this? but they wont understand, right? whose father abandoned their family for a divorced women with a wasted body and children? and then abandoned that woman and started hanging out with cheap, bimbotic women? does the world really have an axis? and even that is tilted, right? apparently, it also shifts every few years. even the world isnt right. how can i expect my father to be? but its always been this way. he's the y variable of the equation. if i factored him into my life, if he was always here, then e equation would balance out and everything would be perfect, right? maybe not. but i think, at least it'll be better than what it is now. will he ever come back? will i ever see him again? i'm typing all this without any emotion. i'm numbed to the pain, but when it breaks through, it still hurts. no one is superhuman, not even if they pretend to be. i failed chinese. will that make him hate me even more? he was an ASEAN scholar. he excelled in everything. would he want a daughter like me? i dont think anyone would want a daughter like me. i really dont think so. wouldnt you choose the clever and kind all-rounder over the hot-tempered loser that does well in one area and flunks everything else? what is so special about me? nothing. i'm not good enough. my speech and writing isnt even good. its just mediocre. i'm so screwed up. life sucks, and then you die. but what if i dont want it to suck? is there even anything i can do right? i have no idea. when you're down to nothing, God is supposed to be up to something. but what if you're not down to nothing? what if you're upset, but not plummeting into the pits of depression? what happens to you then? i have no idea. is it so wrong to want a father to love me? am i being selfish? am i too ugly, stupid, redundant or useless that i cant have a father and mother who love and cherish me? i'm arrogant, i'm a show-off, and i know it. maybe there's a special punishment for people like me. i was thinking of putting up another essay. my end-of-year essay on family. i'd better not, right? i wonder what my father would think if he reads this. huh. as if he'd care enough to finish reading.

Quote 2 remember: Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families. (are they really? when our families are so lousy, what really works?)

~thx 4 reading!~